A man outside a polling place hands a voter a palm card. “Have I got a political party for you” (imagine the voice of Gilbert Gottfried)
“Well”, said the voter, “why don’t you tell me about it.”
“Well our party was started as an ego trip by an megalomaniacal multi-millionaire. His main campaign operative has been called ‘The State of the Art Washington Sleaze Bag’ by New Republic, but the operative’s most famous for the personal ads run he's run with his wife seeking partners to satisfy their deviant sexual urges; and when he’s not trying to get his family laid by strangers, he’s busy funneling Republican money to Al Sharpton.”
“Our City party is controlled by a crazed psychotic cult, which used to be associated with Lyndon LaRouche, but then spun off on its own. Their leader is a guru who calls himself a ‘Doctor of Psychology’, and proudly admits to sleeping with his patients, who he also uses as political canvassers and working as slaves in his numerous prosperous business operations. Fronting for him, he has this black women, who also calls herself a ‘Doctor’, who likes to accuse ‘The Jews’, not Israelis, mind you, but ‘The Jews’ of committing genocide against people of color. They’ve maintained associations over the years with all sorts of armed and dangerous left-revolutionary types, but also supported Pat Buchanan for President.”
“But while they rail against capitalism, they love making money. They have printers, and political consulting firms, and psychotherapy, and a theater, where they stage plays about ‘The Jews’ committing genocide against people of color. And they sell their party line in exchange for government contracts, including efforts to enlist young school children in their therapy, and obtain government subsidies for their theatrical productions. They’ve also been accused of psychologically abusing children who fall into the web of their theatrical program.”
“But that’s not all; we have another wing of the party which includes kooks of every variety, and a lot of hustlers trying to swing themselves government jobs. And they’ve given the party line to every person Joe Bruno’s asked them too, without exception, but here’s the beauty part; they convinced the Democratic candidates for Governor and US Senate to beard for the operation and attract votes to the folks on their line. Think of it, the biggest Democratic landslide in state history is on its way, and we’ve figured out a way to steal their votes for Republican State Senators. What a fucking scam!”
“And then, we’ve found the wife of a wise guy. She managed to get elected DA, and his buddies are on tape bragging how the husband leaked them secret info from the wife’s office. But she’s mad at her husband for cheating on her with some piece of tail who looks like she’s the wife’s younger, prettier sister, same dental work and everything, and she tries to get some scumbag Private Eye to bug the husband’s boat. But does she pick some obscure guy? No, she picks the most notorious sleazeball in the country, and walks right into an FBI sting operation and is caught on-tape trying to get the private dick to bug the husband, and even he won’t do it, but the broad just won’t give up on it. And, you won't believe this, but we're running her for State Attorney General!”
"Good God!", said the voter.
“I'm just getting started" says the man with the palm cards. "Then for Comptroller, we’re running a guy who issues a press release every time he catches a cop stealing an apple, who it turns out has been using a fulltime state employee to drive around his wife, to the tune of at least 80 grand at the expense of the taxpayers, at least that’s the amount he admits to.”
“Amazing” says the voter, “that’s more than I make in three years”.
“But that’s not all” says the guy with the palm cards, “we’ve given our line to everyone responsible for the mess in Albany who would take it, and they all have, but we sell the act by claiming we’re for ‘Good Government’, ‘Fiscal Integrity’ and ‘Reform’. It’s the greatest bunko operation since the days of Ponzi, except Ponzi got caught and we’re still a growing concern”.
“Wow”, said the voter, “what do you call yourselves?”
“The Independence Party”