Dateline, Denver Colorado, 8/27/08 1:30 PM Mountain Time
On Tuesday night, Shelly Silver’s opponent, Paul “Obamawitz” Newell, finally showed up in Denver to play his role as Delegate. I have been unable to confirm the rumor that, unlike the rest of the rest of the New York Delegation, which is staying at the Downtown Sheraton, Newell is being housed in a Motel Six in Provo, Utah.
Paul tells me that he spent two hours last night dialing up voters in his district, and will be continuing to campaign aggressively via long distance. I’ve been unable to confirm the rumor that those phone calls constitute more effort than has been expended in the last month by spoiler candidate Luke Henry.
Newell also told me that, though he doesn’t agree with everything I’ve said about his race, he’s enjoyed my pieces about him and Silver.
At last, an area of common ground between Newell and the Speaker.
No word yet on whether there has been an actual face to face between the candidates. I have been unable to confirm the rumor that the Speaker has flown in Luke Henry to join in them this historic occasion.
In a further correction, I am obligated to point out that, earlier this week when I said Domestic Partner complained about my “sly references to other women”, I was engaged in poetic license.
In other words, I was lying.
As per her usual policy for maintaining Sholem Byas (Yiddish for détente), Domestic Partner had studiously avoided reading anything I’d written. However, after receiving notice of my musings from a cold-calling member of the matrimonial bar, she has informed me that she does not think “sly” was the proper word for such references, suggesting as alternatives “schlubby” and “patronizing”, and adding:
“ Unless you quit the obscure references to local politics and local people whom nobody cares about, I am afraid that the women you are dreaming about will not let you dream of them anymore. Truly bad. You are still a hack after all. Oy! Quit with the Owens‘, Powell’s and Bouldin’s. We did not spend all this money we don't have for you to be unreadable. Better, you spend time searching for that McCain condom you lost and use it…”
I should note that, thanks to my successful efforts to live off the land, my expenses in Denver have been less than $100, of which food amounts to about $20, and that Ben and Gur paid for my plane ticket, and donations paid for the hotel. However, tonight it looks like that, in order to ensure that my late arrival does not cause fire marshalls to cut off my access to the Pepsi Center, I am going to be obligated to blow off the National Jewish Democratic Council reception, Andrew Cuomo's pre-convention hospitality and Congressman Steve Israel’s “Wines of Long Island” event and instead pay $6.00 at Pepsi for a vegetarian hot dog.
Nonetheless, having re-read my pieces, I think I can understand why Domestic Partner feels even this is too high a price to pay for adolescent humor and self referential, parochial NY meta-blab at a time when, in her opinion, I should be attempting to propel Gatey into the national spotlight.
Even in her anger, her love, and her delusions about my talent, shine through.
Or so I hope.
As my great detractor, Michael Bouldin, told the world when he banned me from “Daily Gotham”, Domestic Partner is truly awesome.
Nonetheless, forewarned is forearmed and any leads on cheap studios in Brownstone Brooklyn would not be unappreciated.