"Hey, I had one too many, and I thought I was seeing double”
In an effort to curtail problems caused by her husband’s speeding, Republican Attorney General hopeful Jeanine Pirro announced that from now on a former top aide would serve as her husband’s driver: Kevin “One for My Baby and One for the Road” Hynes. Hynes stated he would also be using his expertise to help Al Pirro get re-admitted to the Bar. “There’s not a Bar anywhere in the Country they can keep me out of” said Hynes. Reached for Comment, Hynes’s father, the Brooklyn DA refused to comment about his son, but denied he would be requesting appointment of a special prosecutor to investigate allegations he had celebrated dismissal of Sandra Roper’s lawsuit by lighting cigars with the remaining $200 of Judge John Phillips’ estate ignited over the burning embers of Mark Green’s political career. “You’ve got to stop reading Maurice Gumbs”, laughed Hynes, “He’s as credible as the Jeff Feldman indictment.” Hynes' companion, identified only as "Dennis", then put his cigar out in my face.
Mr. Pirro stated he was hoping that once re-admitted he could close his consulting firm, which specializes in acting as a fixer for local development projects, and resume his practice of law, specializing in…acting as a fixer for local development projects. In the meantime, Pirro is entertaining a job offer from State Comptroller Alan Hevesi to drive Hevesi’s wife, Carol. Hevesi said that Pirro’s efficiency in doing the job in less than half the time would save taxpayers ten of thousands of dollars yearly, and lower his own exposure to the level of an A misdemeanor.
Hevesi denied speculation that he and Ms. Pirro were abandoning their loveless marriages to run off together to Washington DC where they would star in a sitcom playing a bargain basement version of James Carville and Mary Matalan. The Democratic, Republican and Independence Party State Committees all expressed their disappointment, as did Ms. Pirro. Election Law experts expressed skepticism on whether substitutions at this late date would be allowed by the Courts. The latest Marist Poll showed that a blank spot on the Democratic line would beat Republican Chris Callahan by 37 points, while Alan Hevesi would beat him by 30.
A secret memo today unveiled a plan by Senate Republican Leader Joe Bruno to hold his position even in the event the Democrats achieved a majority by enlisting the vote of Democratic turncoats. Democrats foiled the plot when, upon uncovering the list of turncoats, they elected them to all to leadership positions. Eliot Spitzer promised to ensure the plan’s success by making sure that no resources of any kind be committed to electing any new Senate Democrats, who might foil the plan’s implementation by insisting on a new vote. Assembly Democrats, speaking off the record, insisted that the only foolproof method of ensuring the plan’s success was to defeat as many Senate Democratic candidates as possible, "the smaller their conference, the fewer the number of potential turncoats, and the less likelihood they'd be needed to turn tail". Speaker Silver solemnly pledged to continue his longstanding efforts to that end. “Anything for the sake of the Party”, said Silver aide Judy Rapfogel, who added that the Yiddish word for grandmother was bubbe, not bubba.
Keep up the good work, kid.