This article begins my new series of Bloopers, Outtakes and Gaffes which have either been deleted from Room 8, or were too embarrassing even to post here in the first place.
Given what does get posted here, this column meets a standard barely higher than The Jig is Up Atlas or CFNM Humiliations.com (rumored to have just signed Anthony Weiner to an exclusive three year contract).
As this series proceeds we will be featuring such titles as;
For our Inaugural edition, I present a work Gatey chickened out on:
GATE (6/29/11): Domestic Partner says the "Brooklyn Native" sandwich at Shelsky's is better than sex (and she's had the best).
DOMESTIC PARTNER:(sigh) Yes, and then I met you.
(Sigh) Would you believe me if I said that what I meant was “the best smoked fish”?
As you may have guessed, once again I’ve gotten myself into trouble on the homefront.
Funny thing is, I actually use some discretion in what I print.
Here for instance, is an intro I deleted from my first piece on a topic which broke on Sunday morning of our last holiday weekend:
“There was no Hebrew School, but there was a shopping list. So I found myself at the Smith Street Rite-Aid in need of making a call.
Domestic Partner picked up on the 26th ring.
“OK,” I complained, “there are a lot of choices. The wrapper you gave me said “Maxi,” “Leak Guard,” “No Wings” and “Fresh.” But they don‘t have that combination”
I suddenly thought this was like advising Israel:
“Your State Can be “Jewish;” it can be “Democratic,” and it can be in “All of Palestine.” Or you can combine any two of those choices, but it is not possible for your state to be “Jewish,” “Democratic,” and “In All of Palestine. You have to choose.”
DP started ranting about how in Poland, if you were lucky, you had one choice, and even then you had to bribe the clerk with a bottle of Vodka. She then enumerated her preferences.
“Just Hurry the Fuck Up; it’s not a period; it’s an exclamation point!”
Duly advised, I closed my cell to find myself being cheered on by a pretty young woman.
“You’re doing it right. You’re a perfect husband.”
Then, estimating my age, she added, “My Father has never done that for my mother.“
Estimating her age, I replied “And he will probably never again get the opportunity.”
Bringing my purchase to the cashier, she took my money, and cheerfully said “enjoy.”
If I’d purchased spermicide, I would have responded “I surely will, and hopefully soon,” but given my present purchase, I just looked puzzled.
Finally home, I found the news in the political world wasn‘t about female leakage.
What was leaking was a Weiner. “
What I really need is for DP to have a sense of Huma.